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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day

February 2012 | Why Marriage Equality STILL Matters

Two years ago I wrote an editorial on marriage equality.  When I wrote it I had not yet met the love of my life.  I had not yet met the future mother of my children or the one person on earth with whom I would share every joy and sorrow.  

Even so, even though I had yet to meet the person I would promise forever to - I knew I deserved that right.  Both of my grandfathers fought in World War II against tyranny, hatred and discrimination so I learned as a young child what our nation stood for. I never questioned whether or not I would be treated equally. I never questioned whether or not I deserved the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  I certainly never wondered if I would be able to get married to the person I loved.  Of course I would.  For what is a life without love? And, what of love if you cannot promise "to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health..." 

Well, I am still an American and I still don't have the rights my grandfathers fought for. I’m not going to speak to the differences between domestic partnerships and marriage. If you believe separate is equal than my heart aches for the world you must see. But, if you believe that all American citizens deserve equal rights under the law than I ask you what I asked of you two years ago, please speak up.  Tell your friends. Tell your children. Tell your state and federal representatives. Speak out for equality. 

Two courts have ruled that to deny Melinda and I the right to marriage is unconstitutional. The fact that Melinda and I cannot get married and raise our children under that legal protection is not something I am willing to accept. It does not matter how long it takes the only end to the fight for civil rights is when everyone of our citizens has them. 

Two Years Ago...

February 2010 | Why Marriage Equality Matters

I know we have pressing matters to tend to. Our homeless need shelter, our sick need care, our schools need resources, and our children need to be left a world they can thrive in; a world with clean water and air, with art and innovation, with religious freedom and equality. In fact, these are the very objects of my affection and what I’ve dedicated my life’s work to insuring.

So, I understand busy. Each one of us is occupied in various and numerous ways. We have our “urgents” and our “importants” battling for every minute of our days. There is only so much we can get involved in. Perhaps, our gay friends and their fight for marriage equality will have to wait a bit longer for our attention? I say this and I am gay.

So, I can only imagine where this issue ranks in your to-do list. But, the truth is, marriage equality is no more a gay issue than slavery was a black issue. In 2010, hundreds of thousands of Americans are being treated as partial citizens. The very men and women we trust to fight our wars, protect our streets, teach our children and heal our sick can’t get married.

I can’t get married. I am an American citizen, living under the same constitution as you, abiding by the same tax laws as you, yet without the same rights as you. Doesn’t that matter?

Marriage matters. It matters in our society. It matters in our laws. It matters in our hearts. Equal rights and equality protection under the law - matters. For as long as we allow discrimination in our laws it will remain in our hearts.

I recently heard the story of a Missouri state trooper, Dennis Engelhard, who was killed on Christmas day. He was helping a motorist when a car driving past lost control, hitting and killing the 49-year old trooper.

Dennis was gay. He had committed his life to his partner of fifteen years. After his tragic death, the state denied the normal pension benefits that would have been given to any other spouse. In Missouri there is no legal way for same-sex couples to marry. They are not protected under the very laws that Dennis fought to defend day in and day out. Marriage matters.

There are countless stories like that of Dennis Engelhard being told in a small courtroom in Sacramento, during the Proposition 8 trials. If you haven’t read the arguments for both sides of this issue yet, please spend a few minutes at

Within the testimonies of each witness and expert one fact prevails. There are societal, psychological, emotional, and economic ramifications linked to marriage. Denying marriage to an entire class of people has negative consequences which extend beyond those individuals, and impact their families, their friends and their communities. Moreover, denying same-sex couples the right to marry has a negative impact our economy as a whole. Oppression is oppression no matter what way you look at it and is harmful to society.

I’m writing this editorial as a friend of this community and a firm believer in the values we built our nation’s democracy on. I also believe there is no greater foundation than that of our family, friends and faith. It is that foundation which led me to public service, and has provided the compass needed to negotiate the difficult waters I’ve faced. It is not easy to be gay in America.

But, I am not writing this as a victim. I’m not writing this to stand on a soup-box or run for office. It simply occurred to me that maybe no one has asked you yet; asked you to get involved. If that was the case, I wanted to be the first.

It will take all of us to abolish institutionalized discrimination from our state and federal laws. Only then will we have a nation worthy of our children.

~ Alexa Benson-Valavanis 

1 comment:

  1. You are an exquisite expression of love. And your relationship with Melinda exponentiates that to a point that makes me gasp with an almost unbearable degree of thanks.


then there were six

then there were six

Cheese of Mac & Cheese along side Roger the Rooster